All the Damn Vampires

December 17th, 2009 |

Author: Ganelon

Years ago, back before White Wolf released the Vampire the Masquerade to legions of Proto-Emos and Anne Rice wrung every homoerotic fantasy out of her twisted little brain, vampires were monsters. They were The Bad Things to Avoid and were clearly a thing you did not want to become. They were demonic metaphors for Satan… a liar who bewitches to spread his own damnation. And his minions ate bugs! How grody is that?

Ah… the good old days.

"I want my two dollars!"

The days when creepy dead kids would float outside your window, whispering to you to open it and invite them in.

Back then, you were pretty damn sure that seriously f*cked up sh*t would go down if you opened that window. Hell, I had nightmares about that evil kid, and every scratch sound from my window kept me up at night. In those day vamps were things to be terrified of. They would murder you… and becoming one meant the REAL you… your mind and soul… would be destroyed and replaced by an evil spirit that would likely kill everyone you loved. Your mom, your wife… your kids.(even babies)

Now we have euro-trash metrosexuals AT BEST… and sparkly emo angst-wussies at the bottom of the genre barrel. And they are being sold as the thing we all aspire to. Now, I’m not a stick-in-the-mud.(how many hyphens can I put in this post? I-Don’t-know!!!) I totally dug Interview with the Vampire and The Vampire Lestat, even if both of them made me long for the taste of a fresh taco, what with all the Sausage Lover’s Pizza Anne was selling me.

But, enough is enough. We NEED the return of the Vampire as The Thing To Drive A POINTED STICK INTO! We need Sarah Michelle Gellar in all her golden glory, using her awesome slayer powers of shapely splendor to drive a few stakes into the hearts of the entire cast of Vampire Diaries… and set fire to Edward and his band of fruit f*ckers.