June 13th, 2009 | 
Author: I know what you are thinking…
“Gan, why the hell did you see this tween-pron flick?”
I’m asking myself the same thing. I had downloaded it for my babysitter, who has nothing but the hard crush on “Edward! (*Sigh*)”. So, weeks later it is still on my harddrive looking oh so delete-worthy. But, never wanting to throw out junkfood without a little taste, I decided to keep it until a particularly entertainment free night.
That night came… and I cannot believe I actually watched the entire thing.
What a dreadful dreadful hateful film. The story…the characters… everything about it…was (and I know I’m going to get some PC crap over this) unrelentingly GAY!
The plotline, such as it is, concerns this emo high school chick who is staying with her “Ham and egger” dad in Fork, WA… a dreary overcast hamlet. Her name is Bella. Her lot in life is to mope. She mopes in her room. She mopes at a diner. She mopes in her new school.
While moping, see spies a family of pasty metrosexuals who are pretending to be students, even though they look like they are 25 and constipated. She meets Prince Fruity with the big hair, and he runs from her like the little bitch he is obviously meant to be. This vexes Bella and she (you guessed it) mopes about it. His name is Edward(*sigh*)
Then! Action! Genre effects! Excitement! Edward races across the parking lot and uses his supernatural powers to keep a van from crushing Bella! Bella then mopes about it. Edward mopes with her. I want to cuts my wrists.
They fall in love. Not the poetic love of the ages, but the irrational hormone frenzy love of teenage girls who scream at the parents “You don’t understand! I LOVE HIM!!!” before slamming their bedroom doors and crying the night away.
I’m getting sick just writing about this drivel. I can taste the regurgitated bile in my mouth.
Anyway, we learn that Edward(*sigh*) is a Vampire in a family of Vegetarian Vampires…i.e. they don’t feed off humans. In other words, they are a bunch of pussies.
There are some interesting interjections from three bad ass vampires who are all about killing and stuff, but why bother going into those brief details? Bottom line: This is a horrid film. Utterly irredeemable.
I want to take this farther, and if I offend any readers here, well…that’s the price I have to pay for my keen sense of reality.
Simply put…if you liked this movie…you are a raving shithead.
More precisely, if you are a woman who liked it, you need the harsh intervention of psycho-therapy to help guide you back to being a rational female with the proper context for your attraction to men and all things masculine. Electro-convulsive treatment should not only not be ruled out, I would err on the side of caution and just set the dial to 11 from the get-go.
And more… if you are a man who liked it, you are so gay that even other gay men would scorn you. No, really. Nathan Lane would implore you to butch up. The ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly would haunt you with the spectral voice calling “faaaaagggg!” every midnight.
Boo!
Tags: 10 Responses to “Review: Twilight”
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I liked your reviews better when they were brutally honest.
Stop pulling punches, we can take it!
I must say Gan, I thought at first you were going to say, “Surprisingly I liked this movie.” I was ready to hunt you down and beat you with a rubber mallet.
This movie, the books, and the Twilight genre itself, are garbage. I suffered through reading them so that I would have the right to voice my opinion.
My primary disgust comes from the pussification of a fabled, long lived, fantastic, though fictional, creature. I am a person who is serious about being true to the lore, at least the foundation of the lore of any story. So to take this fabled creature of fiction and turn it into a sparkling in the sun, pathetic whimp, well, just sickened me.
My other irritation is the fact that it’s a re-write of a MUCH better series, that keeps true to the basics of vampires, The Southern Vampire Mysteries. These are the series of books that the show True Blood is based upon on HBO. Excellent series, good books. In Twilight, the Frankenstein looking Edward can read all minds but his hideous girlfriends. True Blood, Sookie can read everyone’s mind except her “boyfriend” vampire’s. Now The Southern Vampire Mysteries series was first published in 2001. Meaning it had been written, most likely a year or more earlier. The Twilight author admits that the idea for Twilight came in a dream in 2003….Dream, sure, as she fell asleep reading the above mentioned series.
So if you want a book, or TV Series that is very well done and looks at the effects on Vampires as they struggle with being what they are, and their humanity, then watch True Blood, read The Southern Vampire Mysteries. Otherwise, stick with this Twilight garbage, just don’t tell me it’s a great vampire story, or movie.. Or you may have to dodge the puke that expells from my mouth in disgust.
I agree with everything you said, however, I have to fess up and admit that I enjoyed the movie. No, not on a Star Trek level – that was fantastic. More on a “don’t bother to pause it when I get a snack, I can still hear it from the kitchen” way. That being said, let me s’plain….no, no time to to s’plain, let me sum up… I believe there is a correlation between Twilight and Baywatch. They both sell the same thing but to two very different audiences. Of course, they have to sell it differently. Men jogging in tight swim suits does nothing for anyone. A modern day Vamp-Romeo-mance, we’ll that’s spot on. So, tell me the truth, ever watch Baywatch? And even more importantly, enjoyed it?
Verbo,
“I believe there is a correlation between Twilight and Baywatch. They both sell the same thing but to two very different audiences.”
You have reached me on the Primal Plane of Rational Thought. I bow before your Rhetorical Kung Fu.
Regards,
Gan
Gan, Verbo’s comment reminds me… in last reboot something happened to the world clock. It is not 5:31 am. She wrote that comment at 5:31 pm EST.
Good catch. I fixed it.
Cool… Look at those time stamps! You caught the problem hours before it happened.
Gan – You had me at “Charles Nelson Reilly” – Verbo
[...] we have euro-trash metrosexuals AT BEST… and sparkly emo angst-wussies at the bottom of the genre barrel. And they are being sold as the thing we all aspire to. Now, [...]
[...] we have euro-trash metrosexuals AT BEST… and sparkly emo angst-wussies at the bottom of the genre barrel. And they are being sold as the thing we all aspire to. Now, [...]